Sound Mind Miami - Sex Therapy - Marriage Counseling - Sex Addiction Specialists Miami, Fl

AASECT Certified Sex Therapist - Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT)- LCSW - CAP

  • Marriage Counseling
  • Sex Addiction
    • Sex Addiction Screening Test
  • Sex Therapy
  • Addiction
  • Therapists
    • Charlene Lewis
    • Gianny Diaz LCSW, CAP, CSAT – Certified Sex Addiction Therapist
    • Melissa Taylor – Couples and Addiction Expert
    • Marcel San Pedro
    • Niurka “Nikki” Sotolongo (MS, LMHC)
  • Book Session
    • FAQ
    • Forms
    • Why we do NOT take insurance – You MAY still be entitled to reimbursement by your insurer!
    • Existing Patients Payment Portal
Marriage Counseling Miami - Sex Therapy Miami » Couples Issues » The bane of today’s couples: The four horsemen!

The bane of today’s couples: The four horsemen!

April 28, 2016 By Charlene Lewis

I’ve heard you mention the 4 Horsemen that rear their ugly heads for couples. Tell me a little bit about that?

That is coined by the Gottman’s and the Gottman’s are therapists who have been studying couples for over 30 years in what they call their “Love Lab.” I’ve done some training in Gottman and basically the 4 Horsemen are ways that couple communicate. Like you said they rear their ugly head in discussions between couples. It’s actually one of the biggest predictors of divorce. The 4 Horsemen are defensiveness, criticism, contempt and stonewalling. Defensiveness is defensiveness, the way that I put it is an inability to accept what the other person is saying for what it is. One person says something and the other person takes it as a personal attack and feels like they have to defend themselves.

Criticism is finding weaknesses in your partner or faults in your partner and really bringing them into light, especially during a discussion or an argument. It could be subtle, it could just be something as simple as, “Are you really going to wear those shoes or are you really going to wear your hair like that?” Where it’s really subtle, but enough of those throughout a relationship and it really tears you down. Contempt is being contemptuous, not very nice. Stonewalling, which I think is the biggest predictor of divorce because when couples get to that it’s going to take a lot of effort to repair. Stonewalling basically they shut down. One person starts wanting to connect, wanting to talk about something. The partner pretty much ignores the situation.

Once it gets to that, like I said the repair is really more challenging because the partner has to, number one accept that they’re doing that. Number 2 have the willingness and motivation to repair it and to catch themselves when they’re doing it. With these 4 Horsemen, when the couples are communicating, they have to be aware of when they’re doing this. Then there’s ways of repairing it. Instead of criticizing they’re going to talk about what it is that’s making them uncomfortable. Instead of doing a personal attack on the partner. Instead of stonewalling they’re going to engage. These are just definitely some of the things I see in couples communication that’s really a big predictor of where their relationship is.

 

Enjoy these Related posts:

  1. Predictors of Divorce
  2. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction- Stage One
  3. Predictors of a successful marriage
  4. What is gaslighting?
  5. How couples tackle differences with respect to child rearing
  6. Couples Therapy Themes: The schlepper and schleppee.
  7. What modality does couples therapist Charlene Lewis use to treat couples.
  8. How to Improve Communication in a Marriage
  9. Why Resentments Diminish Sexual Desire?
  10. Miami Sex Therapist on Low Sexual Desire
  11. All About Sexual Anorexia – A manifestation of Sex Addiction
  12. Common issues that couples address with Charlene Lewis in Couples therapy
  13. Common Issues I see in couples therapy
  14. Common themes in couples therapy
  15. Effective Communication in Couples Therapy
  16. Sex after the children take over
  17. Should couples seek individual counseling as well
  18. How to build intimacy after infidelity
  19. What is needed to explore inner child in couples
  20. Imago Techniques in Marriage Counseling
Request Appointment

Join Our Online Sex Addiction Rehab

Am I a Sex Addict?

Take The Sex Addiction Test: See how you score!

More posts from this section

  • How do I know if I am an addict?
  • Can I learn to control my drinking?
  • Do I have to go to 12 step meetings?
  • What are the 12 step meetings about?
  • What is a sponsor?
  • What if I don’t believe in God?
  • If my problem is marijuana can I still drink?
  • Why and how did I become an addict?
  • Is addiction progressive? Will things get better on their own?
  • Do I have to stop socializing with my friends if I admit I have a drug problem?
  • I am a strong person and have a lot of will power, why can’t I stop?
  • My partner also drinks and uses drugs, is that going to be a problem for me?
  • How do I know if I need treatment?
  • What do I do if I have to go to an event where there is alcohol?
  • What are triggers?
  • Never drink again?
  • Can I drink non-alcoholic beer if I am an Alcoholic?
  • Is therapy right for me?
  • Do I really need therapy? I can usually handle my problems.
  • How can therapy help me?
  • What is therapy like?
  • Is medication a substitute for therapy?
  • Is therapy confidential?
  • Miami Sex Therapist on Low Sexual Desire
  • Couples Therapy Tip: Relationship Inventory
  • Anxiety and Stress
  • Alcoholism and Drug Addiction- Stage One
  • Alcoholism and Drug Addiction – Stage Two
  • Struggling with intimacy in recover
  • Alcoholism and Drug Addiction- Stage 3
  • Women’s Sexuality
  • Sexual Compulsivity and Paraphilias
  • Erectile Dysfunction in young men
  • The Difference Between “Cheating” and Sex Addiction
  • Sex Addicts with Enmeshed Mothers
  • How to Improve Communication in a Marriage
  • Erectile Dysfunction and Pornography
  • How to build intimacy after infidelity
  • What is compulsive masturbation?
  • Do we marry our parents?
  • Sex Addiction: an Attachment and Intimacy Disorder
  • Addiction: the family disease.
  • Gratitude: a fundamental practice for recovery of addictions.
  • What is gaslighting?
  • Process addictions
  • Does my partner suffer from sex addiction?
  • Why Resentments Diminish Sexual Desire?
  • 12 ways to manage stress
  • Sex Addiction 101 Slide Show by Patrick Carnes
  • Women and Sex addiction Powerpoint Presentation

 

Professional Seal for Charlene Lewis
Charlene Lewis, LCSW, CSAT, CAP, AASECT Cert
Miami, FL

Copyright © 2021 Log in 305-600-4964