Sound Mind Miami - Sex Therapy - Marriage Counseling - Sex Addiction Specialists Miami, Fl

AASECT Certified Sex Therapist - Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT)- LCSW - CAP

  • Marriage Counseling
  • Sex Addiction
    • Sex Addiction Screening Test
  • Sex Therapy
  • Addiction
  • Therapists
    • Charlene Lewis
    • Gianny Diaz LCSW, CAP, CSAT – Certified Sex Addiction Therapist
    • Melissa Taylor – Couples and Addiction Expert
    • Marcel San Pedro
    • Niurka “Nikki” Sotolongo (MS, LMHC)
  • Book Session
    • FAQ
    • Forms
    • Why we do NOT take insurance – You MAY still be entitled to reimbursement by your insurer!
    • Existing Patients Payment Portal
Marriage Counseling Miami - Sex Therapy Miami » Couples Issues » Couples Therapy Themes: The schlepper and schleppee.

Couples Therapy Themes: The schlepper and schleppee.

April 7, 2016 By Charlene Lewis

The schlepper is the one that is doing the dragging. The “schleppee” is the one that’s being dragged into couples therapy. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the couple, there’s always one and the other. A lot of times I think that with couples, it’s important to accept that we have different personality types and how to manage them. Usually, it’s really about them coming together and coming to a certain balance, where the schlepper doesn’t always feel like they’re schlepping and the schleppee doesn’t always feel like they’re being schlepped around because that creates a lot of resentment. It creates distancing and with that, a whole host of conflicts arise, parenting conflicts, sexual conflicts, but really, in most couples, there is another term for it is the pursuer and the with-drawer.

What I find is that the more, using the term schlepper and schleppee, the more the person is the schlepper, the more the schleppee kind of withdraws. The higher the energy of one partner, the other partner kind of by default, goes into a lower form of energy, which activates the high energy partner and then he or she becomes more demanding and then the other partner comes more and more withdrawn and it’s inevitable. I think part of it, and Sue Johnson talks a lot about the dance, it’s recognizing this dance that partners get into, when again, at the core, all they really want is to be loved, to be accepted, to connect, and it’s just, they’re going about it the wrong way, which gives hope, because there are definite, different ways of getting there, by a lot of different terms.

Like I said before, Gottman has their own training and way of doing things. Sue Johnson has her way of doing things, but all of these different modalities really have a lot of commonality and that’s really just how to connect the partners. A lot of Type A personalities can come off as controlling and a lot of these Type B personalities can come off as, they don’t care about anything. It’s really the furthest from the truth. The Type A just doesn’t know a better way of connecting and the Type B, a lot of times, it’s not really necessarily Type A and Type B personalities per definition, but I think when I say that, a lot of the common people not in the therapy world kind of get what I mean by that.

Really, what they’re doing is they want to just be together. They want to just connect and I know that I say that a lot, but that’s at the core of all of this is human connection and I think we go further and further away from that, especially in this society when a lot of times both people are working and have very limited time together. In that limited time, they want to get everything done, so there’s this level of anxiety, level of discomfort that comes with it.

What I was going to say is that these quote unquote Type Bs, at the core, a lot of them feel this fear of failure and fear of, I’m never good enough for this person. No matter what I do, they always want more. Their default is, kind of screw it. I’m not doing anything. No matter what, it’s never going to be enough. Again, in therapy, one of the important things is for the couples to recognize what part they have in this dance and then change the dance. When they talk to each other and they’re able to, I’m just going to kind of be stereotypical here, so if the wife is the schlepper and the husband is the schleppee, which is usually what I see. Usually the woman is the one that’s more the pursuer and the male is more of the with-drawer.

When I can engage the male and I can get him to really identify the reasons why he’s withdrawing and the woman can see that, it absolutely changes it because then she sees that it’s not that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s that he really has a fear of failure. For that instant, there’s a connection and a bond that’s made there that really just, it can’t be broken.

Enjoy these Related posts:

  1. Miami Sex Therapist on Low Sexual Desire
  2. What modality does couples therapist Charlene Lewis use to treat couples.
  3. What is gaslighting?
  4. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction- Stage One
  5. Common themes in couples therapy
  6. The bane of today’s couples: The four horsemen!
  7. The Blame Game
  8. All About Sexual Anorexia – A manifestation of Sex Addiction
  9. Is Sex Addiction really and truly an addiction?
  10. Why Resentments Diminish Sexual Desire?
  11. Sex Addiction deniers
  12. How does a couple “stay connected” after children?
  13. How couples tackle differences with respect to child rearing
  14. Patrick Carnes Task 4: Examining the Damage Done
  15. Carnes Task 5: Establishing Sobriety
  16. Taking my inner child to the batting cages! Carving out one on one time with my inner child.
  17. Common issues that couples address with Charlene Lewis in Couples therapy
  18. Common Issues I see in couples therapy
  19. Couples Succeed with Healthy boundaries
  20. How to Improve Communication in a Marriage
Request Appointment

Join Our Online Sex Addiction Rehab

Am I a Sex Addict?

Take The Sex Addiction Test: See how you score!

More posts from this section

  • How do I know if I am an addict?
  • Can I learn to control my drinking?
  • Do I have to go to 12 step meetings?
  • What are the 12 step meetings about?
  • What is a sponsor?
  • What if I don’t believe in God?
  • If my problem is marijuana can I still drink?
  • Why and how did I become an addict?
  • Is addiction progressive? Will things get better on their own?
  • Do I have to stop socializing with my friends if I admit I have a drug problem?
  • I am a strong person and have a lot of will power, why can’t I stop?
  • My partner also drinks and uses drugs, is that going to be a problem for me?
  • How do I know if I need treatment?
  • What do I do if I have to go to an event where there is alcohol?
  • What are triggers?
  • Never drink again?
  • Can I drink non-alcoholic beer if I am an Alcoholic?
  • Is therapy right for me?
  • Do I really need therapy? I can usually handle my problems.
  • How can therapy help me?
  • What is therapy like?
  • Is medication a substitute for therapy?
  • Is therapy confidential?
  • Miami Sex Therapist on Low Sexual Desire
  • Couples Therapy Tip: Relationship Inventory
  • Anxiety and Stress
  • Alcoholism and Drug Addiction- Stage One
  • Alcoholism and Drug Addiction – Stage Two
  • Struggling with intimacy in recover
  • Alcoholism and Drug Addiction- Stage 3
  • Women’s Sexuality
  • Sexual Compulsivity and Paraphilias
  • Erectile Dysfunction in young men
  • The Difference Between “Cheating” and Sex Addiction
  • Sex Addicts with Enmeshed Mothers
  • How to Improve Communication in a Marriage
  • Erectile Dysfunction and Pornography
  • How to build intimacy after infidelity
  • What is compulsive masturbation?
  • Do we marry our parents?
  • Sex Addiction: an Attachment and Intimacy Disorder
  • Addiction: the family disease.
  • Gratitude: a fundamental practice for recovery of addictions.
  • What is gaslighting?
  • Process addictions
  • Does my partner suffer from sex addiction?
  • Why Resentments Diminish Sexual Desire?
  • 12 ways to manage stress
  • Sex Addiction 101 Slide Show by Patrick Carnes
  • Women and Sex addiction Powerpoint Presentation

 

Professional Seal for Charlene Lewis
Charlene Lewis, LCSW, CSAT, CAP, AASECT Cert
Miami, FL

Copyright © 2021 Log in 305-600-4964