This is a practice that helps me have a much more grounded, grateful, and fulfilling day. I stumbled on it, in the middle of a ritual that I do first thing in the morning. It is a mix of things that I have learned that just seemed to make sense, at a pivotal time.
I have always struggled with finding a meditation that works well for me. I usually feel defeated, and exhausted within just a few minutes of taking on the deluge that is my thought life. Watching my thoughts and “letting them delicately float down the river,” finds me up the creek without a paddle 9/10 times. It takes a village to separate me from my thought life. I need a lot of help. The best time to preempt the monkey mind is first thing in the morning. I wake up most every day to Jack Lemon picking his teeth, leaning against the wall in the corner of my room saying “morning jack ass, ready for the plane to hit the mountain today? You really shit the bed yesterday, but that ain’t nothing compared to what we have planned today, I sense it! Up and at ’em kiddo.” My lower self masks his self hatred in dark humor, and sarcasm, and is ready to share it even before my first cup of joe. How thoughtful!
Maybe it is my male programming that likes linear, and discrete groups of data to process and parse. I can deal with one theme at a time, and certainly have a natural leaning towards self-abandoning behaviors. Food, tv, money, sex, obsessive work, planning, and saving others, are just a few of the emptiness festivals that my nimble little fingers can attend to with a simple google search or the remote control; now THAT is the “connection” that I crave and have so much experience with. During my travels I have found, with only some comfort, that I am not alone in this confusion.
Who is the self that I am abandoning anyway? The little kid inside that deserves a shot at experiencing something new. That is who. I am sure we could find quotes from all wisdom traditions exalting the wisdom of the inner child.
What seems to work for me, right now at least, is separating and experiencing my being, as discrete components which make up a greater, more whole self. Tough to see the forest from the trees though, isn’t it? The f#*$ are you talking about Josh? It is refreshing and necessary for me to “reintegrate” myself and spend some time caring for those areas that have been neglected. Self abandoning behavior, head in the clouds, lofty goals, lizard brain strapped to my higher self, I trod on, one day at a time, in self acceptance and forgiveness.
I believe that each one of the areas that I touch upon in this meditation calls forth specific memories, smells, colors, feelings and other sensory imprinting to bubble up from the subconscious mind of each practitioner. Desires, unhealed wounds, unresolved stories, unfinished business, the next right thing, can be found in this space. More powerfully, the experience of connecting discrete parts of my being helps yoke me to something much greater than the sum of my parts: my true self, and you my fellow traveler. Like archetypes, colors, or arrangement of musical notes, these locus of experience are powerful in that we are all connected by their experience. Are we experiencing them are they playing themselves out through us as their muse? We are collectively and individually the story and the author.
Remember, you are more than the sum of your parts. You are not alone. You are connected, and you are loved.